Today I purchased Dragon and using voice input. It's going to take some getting used to. Today's New Year's Day and I stayed up until nearly 7 AM this morning when I went to bed it had snowed fairly heavily, when I rose it was raining and nearly melting off all the snow. Got a call from +Barry Wainwright, who invited me down to his house for New Year's Eve. He said there was good to be another couple at the house besides he and his wife I politely declined and wished him a happy new year. I'm hoping Dragon is going to help me write papers for college in a quick manner and I would hope that my art professor would accept late entry for my midterm she says I didn't turn in. You have to drop them in a drop box for Columbia College and wings you do that you automatically receive a dropbox receipt of which there is none for my midterm paper. I have recently wiped my computer hard drive for five times and did not save my midterm paper to the cloud, to my chagrin. I'm planning on getting a new laptop and have promised myself a gaming laptop for a very long time. I've done a lot of research over the last week or so and I had had in mind an Alienware but after searching for several of those, I had found that alien ware are a very clunky heavy machine that most other gaming laptops are able to compete with very easily without all of the clunkiness. I believe I have decided on Asus Republic of Gamers which has the best fan setup I've ever seen on a laptop, not to mention it's blazingly fast. I guess that's about all for today. -Chief out

Dagoba

I am not grieving much over the loss of the military life anymore. it's been nearly a year since I left it and nearly 4 since I left my one true love, the sea. The anxiety doesn't come from that. It was there for several years and kept at bay with constant busying of sea schedules and inspections and jets screaming off the "pointy end". One cannot truly understand the source of my anxiety unless they understood my job. There were lives hanging in the balance with every decision I made. Whether it was the pilot and rio clinging to the innards of the aircraft I was slinging up into the air with fire spewing out the back, or the guys that were in my charge, and ensuring they were constantly ok. If I had a catapult go down... well... in the theatre of world operations there is always a carrier. That carrier has jets on it and they are the one fine line in the sand between our ground troops advancing or staying safe. Also the jets are the magic wand in any conflict that can erradicate the enemy with one swift gushing of armorment and firepower. ok, back to the catapult, There are only 4 cats on every carrier, and 4 arresting gear wires to retrieve the jets from flight. When one of those cats breaks, there are only three. Each battle platform is mesured at the pentagon on the huge workd map in realtime by percentages. When one cat is down, that little blip moves from 100% to 75% in a microsecond, lessening our warfighting capabilities in an entire region. if two goes down, kiss your ass goodbye because we can barely sustain air supreiority in that particular theatre. Well, since 97' I have been in charge of at least one catapult. By 2006 I was in charge of all 4, and all the arresting wires and the electronics which guide the planes in for recovery. It's a knee jerk life that has a "the only easy day was yesterday" kinda mindset. Most of the guys that are in positions like mine were able to tune out the gravity of the situation or just able to mindlessly carry out their repititious duties, too stupid to grasp the level at which the job hung on the scheme of things. I literally controlled the entire warfighting capability of an entire theatre, let alone the carrier. I once tried explaining this to Barry and he could hardly grasp the idea that they would hang all that responsibility on one guy. I don't think he really believed me, or was just placating a guy who's delusions of grandeur made him think he was that important to his country. I truly wish the latter were the case. It's not! I'm shaking as I type this and having to retype every like 4th or 5th word due to anxiety. It keeps the giant pinned down and I am a giant of a man inside, capable of huge things. I someties feel like Yoda living in a little hut in a swamp, so powerful that he could take down gods and idols without lifting a finger but somehow exiled by an unseen force putting him there.

Sunday Blues

I finished my Art class last night with Brett's help. He's really great at digging through Google and finding stuff out. He's gonna be a great husband, my only hope is that he has a great wife. I went to bed at 1 or 2 last night while Brett's friends were over watching videos. I slept a couple hours and woke up with an achy tummy and went to sit it out in the living room. Chatted a while longer with friends and went to bed a couple hours later. I awoke to a headache this morning, well noon, rose and took some excedrin. That's really all that helps with my headaches, which I recently learned were migraines, during my physical for retirement. I'm really down after taking my regular meds and hope it's not a theme that's building. I was really down the past couple days as well. I have been, over the past several months, been experimenting with prolonged periods of not bathing. I somehow feel it will help me if there's ever anything that would happen to force this to be the case. I can't make it very long, 3 or 4 days tops, as private areas do not take kindly to not being shown some cleanly attention. That and I detest feeling gross and dirty. I would hope I would find a way to cleanse myself if the inevitable happens. I'm wondering what's going on with the weather last few weeks. It can't seem to make up it's mind whether to be really cold, like freezing, or fall like temperatures. Some think it's global climate change and the planet's pole aligning itself to a different degree. I do know that true north isn't aligned with magnetic north any more as a compass doesn't align with GPS. Whatever's happening it's wreaking havoc on my sinuses. I'm an afrin junkie at night just to breathe. I find myself explaining why I never call anyone nor answer my phone at all more and more. I have made the attempt to answer it when it rings but my social anxiety really goes bananas on the phone. I wish I could feel more normal with all of it. I think I would have more friends if I were more sociable.

Was up until around 3 or 4 last night. Woke to the heater in my bedroom and the feeling I would suffocate from the heat in there. Took the dog out and it was 60 out there. Seems like all she wants to do is bark when she's outside so she came in rather quickly. Sometimes when I wake before I've had 8 full hours I sometimes have to get up for a while and wait until my body's ready to do the rest of it's sleeping. Well after my date with my son's friend's mom, she had hit me back on facebook and let me know her heart still belongs to some guy she has fallen in love with online. Her son and his wife both say he's mean to her and not very good to her. She had also commented on how he treats her and how she was still in love with him. Oh well, guess you can't see the forest for the trees sometimes. I'm nodding in and out of reality sitting here trying to blog. See ya next time.

Vichy Rd posts

I must get started blogging again. There's really nothing I'd like more. Brett has been out here living with me for a couple months now and it's been really great. No more sitting around totally lonesome and having no one to share things with. He has introduced me to his new Rolla friends and they seem really nice. I even went on a date with their mom! I have switched to Linux and it's been refreshing. A brand new way to do the same old thing online and on the pc. The thing with Linux is that you have not one OS to choose from but a plethora of them. When you get bored with one or if it starts acting up, you can simply switch to another one you may like, and keep your files without losing all your pics, music, whatever? I have settled on two that are pretty great, Ubuntu is kinda ubiquitous. There is quite a bit of support online. The other is PinguyOS. It's lesser known but really user friendly and has tons of commonly used apps pre installed, the guy even set the browser favourites that most of us would set anyway, online video content to boot! There's a brand new one out that I'd like to try called Linux Lite. It's created by a chat buddy of mine that also created the Linux Distribution Community. If they can't give some insight on there, not many can and you should probably not be using a computer in the first place if they can't help you out. The biggest thing about switching to Linux is you have to get handy with digging through the online forums. There's enough Linux users in the world that someone has encountered your particular problem somewhere and has probably fixed it and really willing to share how they did it, as it's kinda a triumphant feeling to share a fix you found. I have a bucket list. One of the items on it went away and I'm so glad I finally got to try it. I don't think I will ever stop. more to come...

It has been quite a day. My phone was turned off, again, because I am behind on the payments due to the data overages from my daughter's line which the company somehow cannot block. She has blocked my texts and calls to the phone so I can't contact her on her phone. I contacted her mother via text, in an attempt to keep from her baiting me into some kind of argument. She tried anyway over text. I told her I was going to have to cancel my wireless account because of all this. She guilted me by telling me that I was shutting off her phone and that it would devestate her. She also blamed me for not trying to contact or see my daughter and also asked me if I was going to continue to pay my child support. I told her I hadn't seen my daughter and have tried several times to be told she's always gone somewhere, either a friend's house or out of town. She went on to tell me I don't have the right to see her for overnight visitation because I haven't proved to the courts that I have a bedroom for her to stay in that was separate from my own. The divorce decree was written after this decision was made in the courthouse and judges chambers when the judge ordered my ex to go retrieve my daughter so she could tell the judge herself that she wanted to be able to see me for visitation. I went around and around with my ex, telling her this but she wouldn't listen and told me I was going to have to pursue it through the courts. I am going to have to proceed with a plan I had from the beginning, to exercise my rights to see my daughter by involving the County Sheriff and arriving at the home to take her with me for an overnight, as the court order states. I am fighting the urge to do this action without feeling I am doing it out of spite. That is the opposite of what I want to be feeling toward anyone, especially my ex, as I refuse to let her vindictiveness effect my life in any way. I will not give her that or any control over me as that would constitute failure on my part. More to come. -Chief out

I was taking classes from the month after I retired in April until August. I was told I could take online classes without a drop in my GI Bill finding, which proved to be wrong, to the tune of a 40% loss. I had taken algebra with the expectation of tutoring in the event i would need it. I did and the help never came. I failed algebra after beating myself daily with studies I neither understood, but fell desperately behind in. It left me very depressed, wrung out and generally depleted with regard to higher learning. I have long since rested but have also fallen behind in my bills due to the thousand or so dollars a month I lost in my income. I am ecstatic, though that my son has relocated to Missouri and now resides with me as an adult. He has become a very wonderful man in whom I am well pleased. My lowered money situation has made things rough on us and to top it all off, I have heard nothing about my disability from the VA. I am now enrolled in classes again and am excited to begin learning again. Management and Art appreciation should prove to be decent to get through. I have met a very cool lady from Jefferson City but have not been able to meet up with her face to face. Ah money, the filthy lucre! We were chatting a lot and texting back and forth but have chilled a bit with that after not being able to meet. Sad but true. I still haven't seen my daughter in a very long time. Months and months. I'm very sad about it. I find myself not even thinking about her until something puts her in my mind and I'm immediately wracked with sadness. It's quite maddening. OK, well now I'm depressed so that's it for this entry. Julia, wherever you are, Daddy loves you and wants to see you very badly. - Chief out

so it's been like a year since i posted in this blog... a friend of mine has inspired me to begin blogging again about my life, more as a journal than anything else. it was when I had shared a link with her to my blog that I actually started to read the damned thing again. I scrolled all the way back to the first entry and found that the posts contained such disheartening content about my situation that I had to rethink my life. I have been divorced around 4 to 6 months now, living in my tiny hovel in Rolla. I pay child support in a handsome sum, and refuse to not live in some fashion that reflects how hard I've worked and what it took me just to get here. Internet, dish tv and the like. My son Brett, 25, has moved out to stay with me! He's a wonderful man and I cannot express just how amazing it is to be around him as an adult. He's very intelligent and gentle in every way. I love him so. I have fallen behind in my bills, rent car payment and others, and am facing bankruptcy just to keep the creditors at bay. I have applied for help from a couple agencies set up to help retirees supplement their finances with donated funds, as I await the outcome of my disability claim with the VA. God I hope they help me out! I hate being broke and overdrawn by the 10th of every month!!!

This Guy In My Chain of Command, aka Idiot

I have not blogged in quite some time. I have come to peace with the fact that a person who has done more to encumber my career in the Navy over the years is going to be ENTITLED to a portion of my retirement. I am living in the little hovel in Rolla after my first term in college on the GI Bill. I am mulling over the CPO Mess at my last command and weighing the dimensions of just how that fits in todays' Navy. To be quite frank, IT DOESN'T! When the leader of the CPO Mess is the CMC with no ability to step back and let his Chiefs lead in their own abilities. To step in and brood over the actions of a man in a leadership position where that man is, by design, created by his fellows, to make the decisions that will control the lives and careers of those in his charge, is beyond mere micromanagement. It is absolutely reprehensible at it's core. From those people-decisions the Chief makes to the tiniest seemingly meaningless deeds that are automatic to most Chiefs, this man had to have a hand in and a thumb on top of. As an example, there was a time when he had contacted me in my last few months as I sat at a friend's house with nowhere else to go, as I was basically homeless after separating from my wife, he asked me if my Mess could help. This man not only scolded me for showing up late to an event that he himself had not only showed up late for the past two years, but hours and hours late. Chief's initiation is a get there when you get there kinda event. Most of the people he was mentioning as he chastised me had only shown up in the last few minutes. He not only scolded me, but took me aside and commenced to chew me out for over an hour and a half, telling me I had disobeyed an order and actually disrespected the entire mess and him. He had a member of the mess go around and take up a collection for me which ended up being a whopping $160. He presented it to me and commenced to tell me a story he had told me on two separate occasions which had absolutely no bearing on my situation whatsoever, and gave me advisement that was not only wrong, but illegal! A couple weeks later, after someone in the Mess had retired I had been having heart attack like stress symptoms at the office and my doctor couldn't see me until the day of the guy's retirement, of which I didn't really know this man and didn't get along with him, nor he, me and I didn't plan on attending. He called me later that week and after chewing me out for a while he told me he was ordering me to pay back the money the Mess had given me to the CPOA treasurer. If anyone has any knowledge of how a Chief's organization operates, the Mess is to be held separate from the CPO association. To pay the money back that some members of a CPO mess came out of pocket for, into the CPOA goes against that separation in every facet of the very bylaws of the association it is being payed into. But as I was in the last few months of my career and this being my last Mess, I set out to pay the money back in a way that would greatest benefit the Mess the best. I would open an online account that would draw from my initial investment to pay for itself so the members of the CPOA could pay their dues at any time by simply going online. This was again interpreted by this man as a direct violation of his order to me to just give up the cash to the treasurer and be done with it. This is what a Chief does. He takes a situation that could be negative and transforms it into a benefit to his community, his people and his Navy. This is only a tiny part of the reprehensible actions of this command structure of which he was a part of. If I made a list of careers that had been shredded by the decisions made by him and this command structure it would be lengthy, to say the least. This is without a doubt the worst part of my career and I have wished more than anything to forget this tragedy of a chain of command that cares not only for it's people but has went out of their way to be a bludgeon to ruin their careers and personal lives. I just wish I could forget it. more later...

making a list

I've been under the weather the past few days so no blog updates until now. I have been having the weird dreams about the ship and aircraft. No more amorous ex's though.
Lately I've been giving thought to how things will end up after the divorce. I will certainly be paying half my retirement to the ex and child support as well. My GI Bill payment will be a huge help with the bills. I'll just be happy to not have to pay her way anymore. I can not wait. It still pains me that she would get any part of my retirement when she has done less than nothing to earn it as a spouse. I have learned she can even continue to receive the retirement if she remarries if it is not adressed in the divorce decree. This sickens me to no end that there would be a large possibility of her suckling the retirement teat she never earned by any degree.
I have been making a list of things I would want when my pay is my own. This gives me more perspective on being independent and able to do for myself without the threat of marital reprisal.

I cannot continue blogging today with the thought of her getting my retirement even if she remarries.

more later...

Day Early...

It's Valentine's Day and I couldn't be happier to have noone to give me a valentine. I don't want to hear the I love you phrase as it is my firm conviction that it would not be true anyway.
I have been having all these strange dreams and restless leg the past few nights. It has been difficult to fall asleep. I think I have built up a partial immunity to my meds that help me sleep. I had a medical appt today to speak to my shrink about all this and request upping my prescription. I had to wait for over an hour at the pharmacy as they were so slammed. Someone asked me about the Cruise Jacket I had on, if i had been to all the countries listed on the back. She told me that was impressive. I wish more people thought of me that way. I know I have done so much in the military and helped so many people. I have tried my best to make positive changes in the people's lives in my charge and it's nice to hear something positive about myself from someone, even a complete stranger.
I met a new friend online over the last couple weeks. A lady messaged me about liking my Facebook page and my pictures. She said I looked very nice. With all I've been through I had to ask if she had the right person or was she thinking she was messaging someone else. She responded that the message was intended for me and that she'd like to know more about me. We have chatted a little on facebook but I worry what her intent is. It worries me that she says she could care for me. Anyone caring for me has usually hurt me pretty badly.
I had recieved responses to the emails I sent to my estranged. She had been told about the bills that were due this payday and that she was to begin paying all her own bills with her own salary. She had told me that I was to leave over $500 in the joint account for her to use. She is in for a big ol' surprise tomorrow morning when she gets nothing. I am paying her house payment and Julia's orthodontist bill tomorrow as well as my household bills and my attorney payment of a grand. that leaves very little left over for paying anyone else's bills. I can't imagine being in her situation and not wanting to do anything about it. I would be expected to take a second or even a third job just to pay my own bills. I would imagine she will be making more than I will after my retirement pay starts. I wonder if she's going to share her pay with me as I have our entire marriage. What a sham our marriage was. She really got over on me and sucked me dry. I'm pretty sick of handing out money to someone who has kicked me out of my own house and lied about it. Filed a restraining order against me so I can't retrieve my things from her house I pay for.

I cannot wait until all I have to pay for is my own life. I absolutely am done with paying for someone else's lifestyle.

last Navy paycheck...

Tomorrow I receive my very last paycheck on active duty. It's pretty much gone already as I have to pay my mortgage and my attorney, both at least a thousand bucks! I have been having the wildest dreams and last night was the craziest.
I found myself in the middle of flight operations on the Reagan but I somehow realized it was years ago, as most of the crew was different than anyone aboard either now or when I was there. After roaming the ship for a while I set about in doing something useful with my trip back in time. I went to my old maintenance office and hung out for a while where I met some of the leadership, none of which I recognized. It took me what seemed like forever to pull the maintenance chief aside to warn him of catastrophic build of their current catapult configuration. I recall trying to break it to him that I had traveled back through time but he just kept laughing it off. I remember explaining the particular components that were faultily designed to somehow let the engineers who designed it know and get a huge head start on reconfiguration. My concerns were just being delivered when my dog woke me up. I was so disappointed that I didn't get to initiate a fix for the parts flaw.
I am worried about the fallout that will occur after this payday with Mary Ellen. She will obviously be put off by the amount of money she will receive and make quite a stink. I am more concerned with what I am to do about next month's mortgage payment and thereafter. I will not recieve a paycheck in March and very little from now on. I guess we shall soon see how it all will go.

a lot has happened...

I haven't blogged in a few days so I thought I would bring things up to speed as to the things I have experienced the last little while. I had another dream about a woman stepping into my life and home, vehicle and family are the norm. it seemed no expense was spared in a nice comfortable middle class lifestyle. The last dream like this was with Joanna, my second wife and her buying me a new guitar and going to our wonderful home. This one I can recall had me going to get my new truck from the Navy base where I left it. I remember it being nice and white in color.
Last night's dream involved someone's wedding where I was to be a groomsman but had no tuxedo to wear. A guilt ridden conversation with the groom shortly followed and I remember him being a black man. While everyone was waiting for the nuptuals, I recall desperately searching for a suit to at least borrow for the wedding to no avail.
I was to take Julia out to shop for an outfit for her upcoming Valentine's dance at her school. I was told, when she wanted two of her friends to go and I said it was to be just her and I, that she was very upset and worried with the onset of a stomach ache. I'm sure this was somehow brought on by the way I'm being talked about in the home and with family while she's around.
I was speaking to Barry a few days ago about the divorce and all the bills. After the conversation, while showering, I noticed my fingers tingling on both hands. I quickly finished the shower, toweled off and went to sit quietly for a half hour or so until the feeling subsided. I was very concerned about the other outcome of this had I not nipped it in the bud.

That's it for now. More to come...

How will it be...

I often find myself wondering how things will be when this divorce is finally over. Only fleeting images of me sitting at a coffee shop with someone I can't picture yet, enjoying myself. I wonder what life will be like to be truly single again. Living alone has been good to me but it has it's challenges, small and huge alike. I just wonder when I will feel good enough to get back out there and meet some people that aren't in a kids and parents setting or at church or a part of someone else's world and I'm an afterthought or fifth wheel type acquaintance. I imagine I will meet more people when I begin college and interacting with other adults from the area. I hope I'm likeable enough to meet people and actually have them like me for just being me. I like who I am and feel confident in my own skin but don't know if others would be comfortable enough around me to want to form relationships, both friend or more.
There are more things I would enjoy other than just personal interaction. For instance I have always dreamed of joining a volunteer orchestra or classical ensemble of some sort. I have always dreamed of building my own recording studio in my home. For the past several years I have yearned to go camping but have never been able to make the time or convince my estranged it would be a fun venture. I have watched a slew of survivalist shows and was jealous of the way they enjoyed the outdoors without having to go home as soon as it was time to get back to school or whatever.
Maybe, just maybe I can make it through this divorce and have a somewhat normal life one of these days.

wonderful dream...

this morning, just before my dog's barking at something outside, I had the most amazing dream. I was in an office type situation where someone had given me a pci card for installation in a computer for some sort of financial transfer from a guy who had died a few years back's savings account. this card i installed had a socket that accepted interchangeable chips of different types. as i inserted the chip the pc was on and a web browser was open. the chip forced the pc to not only open a bank website but begin a funds transfer of $90,000. this all made perfect sense to me and any guilt or wrongdoing was not in the equation as I had got the pc hardware to perform this transfer from his surviving wife. The amazing thing is, she was my second wife, Joanna. I have loved her since I lost her in 96' and have never stopped. She seemed to have been wanting me back in her life and to give me a second chance. I distinctly recall her insistence on buying me a new guitar at a sale they were having at a local store. We went to her home in Virginia and I recall her vehicle was very luxurious. Several various family members were in and out of the home and I remember small parts of interactions with them. We were very happy together and I recall feeling so in tune with her desire to have me in her life.
I was an aweful spouse to her. Very immature and insecure, taking all the negativity I felt out on her. She was always so happy and content and I think I was somehow jealous of that and looking back, it seems I was determined to make her feel as lousy as I was.
I miss her terribly and am sad to wake from this dream but happy for the experience of having it.

more babbling and rambling

it would seem that my blogging is not up to the collegiate writing standard of those more educated than myself. It is for this that I wish to extend my most humble kiss my hairy pimply posterior.

i am in the process of getting my transcripts together for submittal to Columbia College. This IHL has been recommended to me by my closer-than-best-friend Barry. He has achieved more in his life than 90% of those I have known in my life. He has risen from pissed off outcast of the norm at an obscure high school to one whom has literally taken the IT community and made it his foot stool, despite injuries and setbacks that would have left the common man a writhing pulp of unachieving handicapped flesh. One could easily see why I would do more than entertain his recommendations. This man has, despite being totally immersed in a career, family and personal life complete with hobbies the likes of building an aircraft at his home with his bare hands, taken the time to reach out to me in my times of need giving more than the average family member would. Our relationship spans way farther than blood or pact. It is a formidable force the likes of which go down in the annuls of written history.
I shall then attempt to hew my prose into more cogent thought process as not to offend the decencies of the reader and, if necessary diminish the purpose of my blog's purpose, to merely get things off my chest and out of my turmoil filled cerebellum and into typeface.
With this I offer my most humble apology to the reader and beg of them to continue, as this is the closest I have ever been to feeling human in my life and wish to chronicle my days throughout the process.

KDH

true hatred...

in 2005 the newly appointed Chief Hanning checked aboard the USS Ronald Reagan, America's premier aircraft carrier. I Had little to no friends onboard, where I also lived for the first two years. After the 2006 deployment another Chief in the division started hanging out with me. We hung out for a couple weeks and I told him I was trying to get back into church somewhere in California. He immediately agreed and began telling me about his growth in the Lord and we found a church and went there. The longer we attended and hung out, the more holier than thou he got, by reading to me from the bible to me after I went to bed and criticizing me for having a beer with the guys. We soon deployed and he got way worse at sea. This all broke when we pulled into the first port when he went totally off the deep end screwing anyone who was convienient. He persisted in telling me how much he read in his bible almost daily until I told him off, citing all the things he would do in foriegn ports. He then began to do all he could to derail my career by talking about me behind my back to anyone and everyone he could, even the ones we worked for. This all continued until I began to stand my ground and prove him wrong by being the best at what we do and embarrass him at every chance I got. We continued this and things escalated until he finally got me reassigned to the most lamest position in our division. I just waited until I transferred and continued to hate him worse than anyone I knew. I still to this day abhor him terribly and can't figure a way to let it all go.

one of the top 100 things that pains me about her...

in 2004, while forced to live in some tiny space reserved for those three grades my junior, after she turned her back on me refusing to cohabitate, she told me she had changed her life and gave it to God. in short, she still left her back toward me by not even entertaining coming to live with her husband three hours away, or transfer with him to the coast where she belonged.
she would never take responsibility for the things in the marriage she had a hand in and was the first one to bludgeon me with my wrongdoings after saying and doing anything she wanted to to me. her character makeup was explained to have formed at a very young age after getting a frowny face on a kindergarten paper. she watched as her grip on the paper slightened just enough to see the paper being blown away by the bus that was driving by. anything she did that was wrong, she would never take accountability for. she would tell me the most hurtful things and when i would get upset, i was the one acting up. this was carefully orchestrated to be broadcast to those she wanted damaging not only our relationship but my relationship with key people in my church and even my youngest stepdaughter who lived under my roof.
what an awesome Christian she was, on her own crusade to lessen me in the eyes of several of the elders and deacons of my church. then she would put on the biggest heirs in front of them while we were at church. my stepdaughter once told me that one deacon said I made him sick to his stomach when I was asked to participate in the song service. this caused me to bow to my own principles and not attend, warming the seat beside her as she would put her arm around me and pretend she cared about me.
in my past, those who have wronged me in this way have been delt with quite severely from on high. most have lost all they loved or their weighty titles have been abolished entirely. i just wonder how this will all pan out for the one who hurt me more closely than all the others. can't wait to see His rath emptied out on her. i am patient. He will have his just leveling in His own time.

from huge impact to huge failure

Chief's like me have been trained in the fleet, at the very pinnacle tip of the spear of forward deployment and mission accomplishment. Most of us have had such vast loads of responsibility thrust upon us that our very actions could make or break the unit upon which we serve, mine being the US's surge carrier, being responsible for all the launching and recovering capability of that carrier on a daily basis and to not bat an eye in the undertaking. Literally walking through the fire of harms way and wielding that fire as a weapon. it was time for a step back from the fire.
In 2008, from across the globe, deployed, I called the recruiting district that owned a recruiting station nearest my home town, in Rolla, Mo. I spoke to the Officer Programs Director and the Chief Recruiter who assured me they would do what they could to put me in that Rolla area near my home in Salem. I transferred back there in Feb09 and checked into St.Louis.
During my checkin process the Officer Programs Director, or OPO had shared with me I would be recruiting officers for the reserves only, a job that I had no training and which differs greatly from what I had been taught in recruiting school. I finished check in and reported to NRS Rolla to set up my work station and get acquainted with the staff there. I was further trained by the only other reserve OR in the distrrict. she could not train very well at all and seemed to speak a totally different language than me. I new then and there I would be on my own with gaining a knowledge of how to do my job. I had also met the lady who would do the processing of my paperwork for all my applicants. she trained me a tiny bit on what she thought would be important but it was basically common mistakes in the kits she had been seeing. she had been at the job for a number of years and seemed to speak her own language as well. back to square one, again.
i set about the task of getting a handle on my job in any way i could which involved building my own office from a storage space and contacting all the best reserve or's in the nation to get a grasp on how to proceed. these individuals pointed me in the right directions and i learned a lot. the SOP of the department stated I was to find the applicants, sell them and get their paperwork started, the processor would take it from there with the paperwork and I was to assist in this process as much as needed. I knew my job now and proceeded accordingly. I did not know nor care how the processor tracked incoming documents but would aid in the rework as it came up. several months went by and i had presented my work to my CO and OPO who seemed happy with the amount of people i was working.
then came the huge realization that would cripple my efforts and pull the rug out from under me. The processor had not been keeping any track of the documents my applicants were sending in nor did anyone care if she was or not. i was quickly called on the pad for not keeping up with my paperwork my applicants were required to send in to the processor. i quickly asked how it was spelled out in the SOP and was told i was right but needed to be able to discuss in detail what was in each one of my kits intelligently. months of being called on the pad for my people not being sent to board and the like followed and i was asked quite bluntly if i could do this job. I answered like any Navy Chief would, that i was doing my job and needed others to do theirs. the powers that be were not hearing that, and had quickly labeled me as a leadership challenge to be micromanaged in as many ways they could come up with. from checking in each morning from my desk to checking out at the end of the day from my desk. i had been given the picture that what i had learned was my job according to instruction but the system was flawed to the point where the people in place could not do their jobs as they were so overtasked that the OR's needed to do what i heard from my fellow OR's termed as "processing your own kits" and learning how to force them through a broken system with the right pushes in the right places. the biggest problem was the processors did not work for me so they had no vested interest in anything i was doing or how many kits i was working. they just did what was pressing for that day and went home. i began with the squeaky wheel ideology and was told by my OPO that we weren't going to hear any more processor bashing nor using the processors as an excuse not to achieve mission.
this all continued until 2011 when a new position was opened in the department filled by a member of the Chief's community. the key was, this person was in both my, and my processor's chain of command! finaly, a breakthrough! She checked into the department and quickly learned who was doing bad or good and i was one of the first she called. i had told her my sad story and she believed me. we quickly set out to holding the processor accountable for not working my kits. every peice of paperwork i would turn in went through her first before going to the processor. i went from not netting one or two people a year to making my annual goal in 4 months! this was seen by the command as her straightening me out, but i was still happy with the outcome. my marriage was in constant turmoil but i knew i was doing just as i was supposed to do, only i knew the sad truth, I had been doing it the entire time.
this is just one tail of how a system with sacred cows in it's organization can be led afoul. It took a Chief to fix this by actually forcing a command's hand to let them lead where they were supposed to be leading in the first place.

failure motivation leads to heavy resentment

i would guess in any separation or divorce there are many stages of emotion. I am at the one where i basically resent anyone who shows me any type of caring. i was treated like i didn't matter by my estranged in so many ways. this effects me not only when those who do care about me show it or if i see a show or story in the news about how to keep your love alive, it shows me so many simple things that i was doing and she just refused to do. this makes me wonder what motivation she had in this refusal and what the desired outcome would be. i'm of the mind to believe she had very vindictive motives such as what would make me hurt worse and for the longest time. this makes the hatred and resentment worse.
i also wonder why, for so many years, i was like the cartoon i recall of Daffy Duck loading a black powder rifle and it going off in his face. each time it would go wrong he would go running back saying "I know what I did wrong!!!" with a sense of hope and a hunger to get it right. the saddest part for me is what makes the cartoon funny. The little mouse hiding down by the trigger, pulling it to make the gun go off in Daffy's face. i would set up so many safeguards or try so many different methods of righting our relationship. she would have something to say each time, like i simply needed to make more money or if she had to go to work, she'd go home to Missouri. I was expected to come up with the fix for all our woes and when i would
she'd sit back on her laurels waiting for some small part to make everything blow up in my face. i was not perfect and would, most of the time, go off on her. the fighting would lead me to apology and a new fix to insert and try.
after 15 years of this, I feel i haven't the emotional fuel left nor the motivation left to be of use in any relationship. this really hurts, as for most of my life, i have either been married or trying to be in a relationship.
I have no idea how to do this with no failure motivation, but i guess i will figure it out in time.

My Core Competencies

in 2005 i was selected by the beaureu of the navy to the position of Chief Petty Officer. This is different than the rank of E7 as the other branches are merely advanced by their respective departments. It's the epitome of prestige within the enlisted paygrades of the Navy. We have been for generations, asked to undergo a form of initiation. over the last ten or so years, the Navy and it's beaureacrats have tried to water down this by restricting and prohibiting different parts of the process to include renaming it to induction, transition. I'm certain this has made somewhat of an impact on the Navy in positive and countless negative ways.
i recall being made to memorize countless phrases and lists, many of which seemed pointless at the time. the one that has stuck with me were the core competencies. a list of principals a Chief should live by.
in every line of work there are those who have risen to paygrades and positions when they have absolutely no idea how to lead people. the Navy recognized this nearly a hunderd years ago and made it one of the responsibilities of the Cheif, training these higher ranking boss types on just how to go about the task of leading those who work for them.
the ones i worked for as a brand new chief did not know i was to be offering them training. it took me nearly a year to learn my own way of training these officers who thought they knew it all already. they were not the problem. it was the ones who had risen to higher paygrades from the enlisted ranks who had forgotten where they came from. they shunned the process of the initiating of a new chief or thought they would impose their own brand of training which ripped the training from the hands of those capable, the Chiefs, and ramrodded the ways in which to train those selected as well as constantly stripping the Chiefs of their power to run the command removing their ability to make the sometimes drastic changes the task needs.
as a recruiter, i discovered the most rewarding portion of the task was interacting with those bright young minds in local communities who had what it takes to be an active part of something great but with no idea or resources to get them into the position. I termed it "Handing out new lives" to future generations who would lead the Navy and maybe the nation to it's next steps. this was shadowed by those i worked for who didn't recruit but thought they knew how to lead those who were. Recruiting has taken people who have failed at other jobs and allowed them to progress farther than those of us who volunteered to go recruiting for three years to give something back to our Navy. they are the ones who run things in recruiting and have severely lost touch with the afloat Navy and her day to day tasks of which they were not good enough at to make the cut, so they went recruiting. the 800 lb gorilla in that room is that those they lead were and still are good enough to make it in afloat leadership. these Sailors are treated like cattle for the most part and they don't know the difference between a leadership position in career recruiting and the afloat leadership. they blindly follow anything asked of them or blindly accept the ways this leadership somehow strangles and hampers their proven abilities already shown in the fleet.
I could go on and on but this is idiotic and I can see no immediate solution to the problem.

Drudging through the mud

i have not blogged in forever but here is an attempt to catch up. I left my marriage in September and had a flighty few weeks afterward. staying with friends and family for a week or two each until renting and moving into a home in Rolla. after speaking to my command about my situation i was soon released from recruiting officers and ordered to not interact with any applicants. earlier when i had spoken to my master chief, he offered to have someone pay for me to go to this years initiation. when i arrived the day of, i had several things to take care of on the trip and arrived a couple hours after the other guys and he went off on me for nearly two hours, accusing me of blowing important things off and disrespecting him and the chiefs mess by showing up two hours late. the rest of the guys had been told about my predicament and had taken up a collection. it was given to me after the riot act had been read to me.a week or two later i had begun feeling tingling in my arms and fingers, my heart palpitating, i made an appointment with my psychologist as soon as i could see her. this prevented me from attending a retirement ceremony of a chief from the command that was apparently a sacred cow. i was called and railed upon by the command master chief who in the beginning of the conversation said he had half a mind to make me pay back the money given to me by my brothers and sisters for missing that ceremony, no matter the reason. by the end of the conversation he told me to pay it back and squeezed a date out of me for the next payday. I didn't have the money but in turn formulated a better plan to set up the mess' first pay pal account to benefit all the folks who had given to me. when told about this plan, again i was bludgeoned by the command master chief saying i was just doing whatever i wanted and not doing as i was ordered and not when i said i would. i saw this conversation was the same as all the others he had with me to try and make me his bitch one more time. at the next get together in tan tar a i payed the mess 250 to shit him up and at least go out quietly.
all this has rocked em to my core of my standing in the overall chiefs mess, not just the one at this command. we are led to do for each other in times of need and support one another by changing things that are wrong or at a standstill for different parts of the navy. i am a good chief and have led those in my charge to better standing than they were. I love being a chief because i get to be involved with shaping the future of the navy by bolstering those around me and make a positive change wherever i am. this has extinguished any light i had for leaving the navy as a proud navy chief at a retirement ceremony delivered by those who care. i now know that under the wrong direction, a chiefs mess with a cancer at it's top end can be not only a hindrance to it's command, but a bludgeon to the very people who could make it great, as it's supposed to be. i am ashamed to be a part of a consciousness which allows the things that my experience with this guy is a symptom of. more people's careers have been ended and curtailed by this stained tapestry of leadership.
all of this is happening while my family has crumbled around me in a fierce divorce that has been stripped financially by me supporting two separate households. i feel i am not only divorcing my wife, but also divorcing myself from my navy that i have loved for so long.
after hearing from my friend, a retired senior chief that he had a house for me to rent for cheap, i quickly moved in there. the house is awfully run down, just as my standing as a chief. i have to force heat it with small heaters and one gas unit of which i had to borrow the money from the landlord friend to get the gas for it. this is all so figurative of my life and how i feel as a chief. forcing myself to rise to any occasion professionally by external negative forces.
i feel as if all my wanting to make anything better, both maritally and professionally has been thoroughly exhausted, leaving me worn out and hollow. my only hope is a tiny shard of light in my future that shows through all the fog and mud i feel like i'm in. this tiny light is me signing up for college and sometime in my future, an end to this divorce and a bankruptcy to settle all my affairs.

throughout all this, somewhere very deep inside me, there is a roaring dragon driving my sould forward by telling me, you will not only survive, but rise above all of this. how i don't know but i have been hewn into this "broken buildning" type personality with a coursing metalworks in it's basement. this is sewn into my very soul by knowing the bedrock of belief in scriptural form, He will not put more upon you than you can bear, and there is always a way of escape, not only into calmer waters but to stride the highlands that have been purchased for you in the very blood which was beaten and torn from He which sacrificed all so that i may have not only peace, but actually excel in this life and someday actually enjoy being alive again, something whick i know very little about.

kdh