2011 came in with no hopes of change at home. Ultimatums given showed absolute negative results. Started talking seperation with me living in the basement in Rachel's old room. even this was not met in favor.
months went by with her watching our grandson jon and not working. The ultimatums got stronger and the fighting began in September when I kept trying to leave her, but not totally take all the funding from her at the same time.
this took a turn on a Friday when she accused me of being afraid, and picked Rachel to say i was afraid of. she began nearly foaming at the mouth and i lost it, but kept my head. be angry and sin not! she ran off in the other room grabbing jon along the way, dragging his tiny body by the shoulder.
the mele at the bedroom door was her insanity in all it's shining glory, throwing herself against the wall and threatening to call the police and tell them i did it. Lots of running around and claiming she'd call my command on me led to her trying to get her phone and call the police. she then threatened to go to barry's to have him call the police.
It was a few hours until i had a tiny bag packed of overnight stuff and was on my way to jerry's where i stayed for a week, then to springfield with adam for a week and back to my brother's for a week or two.
jerry called me at my brother's saying he had a house for me and i've been here ever since.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
long time no blog
wow! has it been a while since i've blogged or what? first i have been around the block and back maritally, have my retirement request approved and much much more. my boss still wants to kill me and my best friend is probably the best on the planet at what he does and detests the profession entirely.
on the upswing with self help. winter 10 was not very good. didn't get to see my son, didn't get to get my wife anything big, didn't get to get away to myself.
i think winter is finally over. it's around 50 deg out there and hanging in there. i think i have gone through several phones since i've last blogged. cigars were all the rage with me until they raged out of control. had to ditch them altogether. bear recommended snus. it's dynamite! like gum or candy with trace amounts of nic for the buz. amazing. want some more kcups and windows 7. miss my son a heap. am excited about some other job than this. those i work with, save a few, are knuckleheads trying to inflate themselves and their job to the size they wish it was! (not to mention their ego's) i am struggling there. out of my element and sphere of influence with my hands tied and blindfolded. go figure i'm struggling!
for like two years of this job my goals and expectations weren't aligned with the realities of the demands of the job at hand. got a new addition to our team and she's amazing, to say the least. kick in the pants and pat on the back all in one fell swoop. i think i need some me time, whada you think?
huge tsunami over in japan. huge! trifecta whammy with earthquake, 9.0 on the rs, then tsunami that destroyed most of the things that the quake didn't, including a nuclear power plant that's about to go into meltdown shortly so there's radiation everywhere. sheesh. biblical proportions over there. glad i don't live along a faultline (jk) newmadrid is due for another bigun' and edgar casey says he dreampt of walking "the beaches of Kansas" momma said she couldn't find the US in the bible.
anyway...i'm just sayin..
Sunday, June 27, 2010
wish I had the patience...
Typically, this blog has shown how my life in my own home has threatened to jeopardize my Naval career. Up until now. It has finally happened and I fear I am not fit nor capable enough to handle it.
In the last two or three months, since my big blow up after the last blog entry, my professional life has been under scrutiny. I work at a command where the only thing that is considered "mission" is submitting people to apply for the Navy as officers. My home life has become one where my wife has lost all concept and grip on priority. She was at her wits end with her job and mother's treatment by that job. She has long-since quit that job and I have supported her in that decision. Not that she has ever supported me in any important decision in my career. She has realized her salary has cost this family certain amounts and cannot come to grips with the fact that she has to remedy that loss. I retire fairly soon and will have my pay cut relatively by two thirds! This will have an extreme impact on our finances as she has no realized earning potential. This, in no uncertain terms, will end out relationship. I fear my 11 year old will suffer irreparable damage in her life, thanks to my wife's inability to do for her family financially.
In the last two or three months, since my big blow up after the last blog entry, my professional life has been under scrutiny. I work at a command where the only thing that is considered "mission" is submitting people to apply for the Navy as officers. My home life has become one where my wife has lost all concept and grip on priority. She was at her wits end with her job and mother's treatment by that job. She has long-since quit that job and I have supported her in that decision. Not that she has ever supported me in any important decision in my career. She has realized her salary has cost this family certain amounts and cannot come to grips with the fact that she has to remedy that loss. I retire fairly soon and will have my pay cut relatively by two thirds! This will have an extreme impact on our finances as she has no realized earning potential. This, in no uncertain terms, will end out relationship. I fear my 11 year old will suffer irreparable damage in her life, thanks to my wife's inability to do for her family financially.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Attorney Priveledge
Recently I came to the conclusion that I had had quite enough. This came, as it were, after a fight that had been allowed to start and go on between my 17 yr old and me. I was suffering from sinusitus and pneumonia and all the lovely symptoms that come along with it. Weakened and head achy with sensitivity to the light when healthy, I sat alone in my home watching tv. Working every day until 5 or 6 despite how horrible I felt. My wife and 17 yr old step daughter came home and were milling around the kitchen and other rooms. Finally confronted with the lights, my wife had told me, regardless of how I felt, that she must have the lights on no matter what. We perried for a while over it as my 17 yr old came into the kitchen. I became agitated and gave up telling her to just turn on all the lights all the way. She kept at me so I told her that was what she wanted anyway. At this point I heard my 17 yr old murmuring something just out of earshot in a disrespectful derogatory tone. I mumbled inaudibly the some tone back and she quickly challenged me to a duel verbally saying "I know you aren't directing that at me" or something of the like. I responded in kind by telling her I pay all the bills and for everything she has, save around $200 a month, and if you've ever raised a teenager who THINKS she's too hot for words, $200 can be blown very quickly. Dresses, shoes, dogs, purses and the like. At this point she began telling me what a failure I am and how there is something wrong with me, citing various influential people at church that told her so, quoting one as stating that when I served at church, I made them "sick to their stomach" even when I was filling in when that person sat on their laurels in the crowd and did nothing to help.
All these things that were stated, remember, are being done to me while sick and in an incredibly weakened state, as noone in the entire household that I provide cares what state I'm in, they can just steamroll over the top of me and if I say the slightest thing in protest I'm creating a scene or blamed for unrest in the home by coloring the events of the day with my attitude, this making it all bad for everyone, thus, I amd the problem.
I watched as she hurled insult after blame at me looking to see her referee step in when I would attempt to retaliate. Never once did she come to my aide and when questioned as to why she would allow this to be done to me or said about me, she responded how she felt all this needed to be said and how the 17 yr old had every right to do this.
It was then I thought how over all this needed to be. I could not survive things like this done to me any longer than I already endured. Teamed up on and attacked was the norm. Ostracized and badmouthed for however I felt about the situation had quickly resulted. Total lack of understanding or respect was the end all be all in the life I had allowed to be created for me to live in.
The next week I contacted an attorney near the military post and scheduled an appointment. During the course of that time I spoke to noone and mostly kept away to myself. Armed with the facts of how the state would probably devide out assets, I mustered all my courage and presented my case very clearly. She yelled and screamed enough for the situatoin to escalate and I stuck to my guns telling her why, repeatedly. For two days before work I presented this end to her. The end of all my torment and paying for everything, getting nothing in return but a hard time. She had told me that she would need spousal support and
how she would have to go to school for something. It was then I unloaded on her. I had offered to send her to school on my GI bill entitlement, paying her a huge stipend while she went. She had denied this back then but was going to stick it to me now, just so she could take an extremely lesser amount out of my pay? Not likely.
She had scheduled a skating trip for the 11 yr old in the neighboring town. My best friend and brother Barry was there. He spoke to her for over an hour about her situation.
Somehow, over the corse of that night and the next day, he convinced she and I of the real problem. My wife felt too inadequate to achieve. Nothing in her life was done out of wanting to do well and she had lost all her self worth.
I swallowed all this for a time, with her doing things for me and making sure I was done for in little ways. Nothing had been done about the 17 yr old. It looked as if nothing ever would. This had led me back to the hiding myself away when she'd come home or enter the room and being a prisoner in my own home that I pay for.
All these things that were stated, remember, are being done to me while sick and in an incredibly weakened state, as noone in the entire household that I provide cares what state I'm in, they can just steamroll over the top of me and if I say the slightest thing in protest I'm creating a scene or blamed for unrest in the home by coloring the events of the day with my attitude, this making it all bad for everyone, thus, I amd the problem.
I watched as she hurled insult after blame at me looking to see her referee step in when I would attempt to retaliate. Never once did she come to my aide and when questioned as to why she would allow this to be done to me or said about me, she responded how she felt all this needed to be said and how the 17 yr old had every right to do this.
It was then I thought how over all this needed to be. I could not survive things like this done to me any longer than I already endured. Teamed up on and attacked was the norm. Ostracized and badmouthed for however I felt about the situation had quickly resulted. Total lack of understanding or respect was the end all be all in the life I had allowed to be created for me to live in.
The next week I contacted an attorney near the military post and scheduled an appointment. During the course of that time I spoke to noone and mostly kept away to myself. Armed with the facts of how the state would probably devide out assets, I mustered all my courage and presented my case very clearly. She yelled and screamed enough for the situatoin to escalate and I stuck to my guns telling her why, repeatedly. For two days before work I presented this end to her. The end of all my torment and paying for everything, getting nothing in return but a hard time. She had told me that she would need spousal support and
how she would have to go to school for something. It was then I unloaded on her. I had offered to send her to school on my GI bill entitlement, paying her a huge stipend while she went. She had denied this back then but was going to stick it to me now, just so she could take an extremely lesser amount out of my pay? Not likely.
She had scheduled a skating trip for the 11 yr old in the neighboring town. My best friend and brother Barry was there. He spoke to her for over an hour about her situation.
Somehow, over the corse of that night and the next day, he convinced she and I of the real problem. My wife felt too inadequate to achieve. Nothing in her life was done out of wanting to do well and she had lost all her self worth.
I swallowed all this for a time, with her doing things for me and making sure I was done for in little ways. Nothing had been done about the 17 yr old. It looked as if nothing ever would. This had led me back to the hiding myself away when she'd come home or enter the room and being a prisoner in my own home that I pay for.
Attorney Priveledge
Recently I cam eto the conclusion that I had had quite enough. This came, as it were, after a fight that had been allowed to start and go on between my 17 yr old and me. I was suffering from sinusitus and pneumonia and all the lovely symptoms that come along with it.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
As I see it
this update is being written while i'm sick as a dog, so please excuse any shortcomings in syntax...
last night, lying in bed, i became horrifically self aware as to the situation with my wife. as i lay there, i drifted off, as i do quite often, to my last ship and one of the guys on there i worked with. he had this way of saying how much he hated someone. he'd say, and i paraphrase, screw them, everybody who loves them, and everything they love and everything they stand for. if he was on fire, i wouldn't walk acrossed the street to pee on him to put him out.
i began to, piece by piece, evaluate my wife's behavior toward me.
-now usually, when i am sick, injured or need her in any way, she normally attacks me in some way, usually ending up with her screaming at me and slamming the door. i usually have to almost order her to go get me some medicine, or neccesary things like bandages or ointment.
-she leaves when i need her to take care of me, like 100+ fever and bedridden. once she drove to the lake and went shopping. no make that twice, the first of which she screamed at me for spending $150 and i know she spent more on goofing off!
-when there's anything at our home, like celebrating a birthday or holiday, only her family is ever invited. now everybody's inlaws do some pretty ugly things to them every now and again that in some cases would make the normal person hate them for life, and our families are no exception. she has cone up with a reason to never speak to anyone from my family or ever invite them to our home. she always invites her side, and has made it abundantly clear that she has been made to understand that her dad and mom are divorced so he won't come around if she's going to be here. wow! sounds familiar.
i have one man that i have held as a brother for more years than not. he's responsible for putting me in the navy and stepping in to save me from this marriage when it crumbled and threatened my very survival. he is more family to me than anyone i have ever had. he lives near where i bought her a home and we finally get to see each other again after he waited years for me to move back home. she despises him and his family so badly that even the thought of them makes her rabid. they popped in over the holidays on a saturday night to hang out with us when there was absolutely nothing going on. she pulled me aside and balled me out, expressing her hatred for people that just barge in unannounced. hatred. pure and unadulterated.
-she has been married to a Navy man for over ten years and heard him talk about his job and the things in that job for that amount of time. she has never taken the initiatiave to ask anything about that job or to learn even the smallest thing about it. for example, the most basic thing expected of a sailor is his PQS. nevermind what it stands for, just know it's so basic, that it is the first thing they are handed after they swear in, nearly a year before their first uniform. you would expect their extended family would ask "what's pqs?" but the closest friends would be helping them study for it and especially their wives, let alone those of ten years, but recently i brought up my pqs, and she asked, "what's pqs?" of which i laughed, thinking she was kidding. she was not! she had no clue what the most basic thing in my career was! so badly does she hate the navy, that she flatly turned down attending the annual banquet with a $100, at least, meal and free room at the area's most prestegious resort, because it was navy. don't know about you, but i would sit through a high pressure sales presentation for half that! she truly hates the navy. always has, always will.
and they are interchangeble! the other day we were talking about the girls needing eye appointments when i explained to her that we had a new primary care doctor and we needed to get them in for their initial health screening and then we could have free appointments for whatever's covered and eyes are. she went on and on about how stupid it was for needing two appointments to get one thing done. when countered with the fact that noone but me had done the initial screening,she ranted on about how she would rather go out and pay for both of them to go get it done than to drive to the neighboring town twice to do it.
she truly hates me
all i stand for
everybody that loves me
and if i were ablaze,
would not even go
acrossed the street
to pee on me
to put me out.
this is a truly aweful situation. she has totally ruined my only hope of spiritual growth in that she has talked to most of my friends behind my back at the church i brought HER into so i can't even go their without the fear of folks looking down their noses at me.
this is my life. and she has the audacity to say she is the one who suffers through life with me!
now you gotta ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
-Chief out
last night, lying in bed, i became horrifically self aware as to the situation with my wife. as i lay there, i drifted off, as i do quite often, to my last ship and one of the guys on there i worked with. he had this way of saying how much he hated someone. he'd say, and i paraphrase, screw them, everybody who loves them, and everything they love and everything they stand for. if he was on fire, i wouldn't walk acrossed the street to pee on him to put him out.
i began to, piece by piece, evaluate my wife's behavior toward me.
-now usually, when i am sick, injured or need her in any way, she normally attacks me in some way, usually ending up with her screaming at me and slamming the door. i usually have to almost order her to go get me some medicine, or neccesary things like bandages or ointment.
-she leaves when i need her to take care of me, like 100+ fever and bedridden. once she drove to the lake and went shopping. no make that twice, the first of which she screamed at me for spending $150 and i know she spent more on goofing off!
-when there's anything at our home, like celebrating a birthday or holiday, only her family is ever invited. now everybody's inlaws do some pretty ugly things to them every now and again that in some cases would make the normal person hate them for life, and our families are no exception. she has cone up with a reason to never speak to anyone from my family or ever invite them to our home. she always invites her side, and has made it abundantly clear that she has been made to understand that her dad and mom are divorced so he won't come around if she's going to be here. wow! sounds familiar.
i have one man that i have held as a brother for more years than not. he's responsible for putting me in the navy and stepping in to save me from this marriage when it crumbled and threatened my very survival. he is more family to me than anyone i have ever had. he lives near where i bought her a home and we finally get to see each other again after he waited years for me to move back home. she despises him and his family so badly that even the thought of them makes her rabid. they popped in over the holidays on a saturday night to hang out with us when there was absolutely nothing going on. she pulled me aside and balled me out, expressing her hatred for people that just barge in unannounced. hatred. pure and unadulterated.
-she has been married to a Navy man for over ten years and heard him talk about his job and the things in that job for that amount of time. she has never taken the initiatiave to ask anything about that job or to learn even the smallest thing about it. for example, the most basic thing expected of a sailor is his PQS. nevermind what it stands for, just know it's so basic, that it is the first thing they are handed after they swear in, nearly a year before their first uniform. you would expect their extended family would ask "what's pqs?" but the closest friends would be helping them study for it and especially their wives, let alone those of ten years, but recently i brought up my pqs, and she asked, "what's pqs?" of which i laughed, thinking she was kidding. she was not! she had no clue what the most basic thing in my career was! so badly does she hate the navy, that she flatly turned down attending the annual banquet with a $100, at least, meal and free room at the area's most prestegious resort, because it was navy. don't know about you, but i would sit through a high pressure sales presentation for half that! she truly hates the navy. always has, always will.
and they are interchangeble! the other day we were talking about the girls needing eye appointments when i explained to her that we had a new primary care doctor and we needed to get them in for their initial health screening and then we could have free appointments for whatever's covered and eyes are. she went on and on about how stupid it was for needing two appointments to get one thing done. when countered with the fact that noone but me had done the initial screening,she ranted on about how she would rather go out and pay for both of them to go get it done than to drive to the neighboring town twice to do it.
she truly hates me
all i stand for
everybody that loves me
and if i were ablaze,
would not even go
acrossed the street
to pee on me
to put me out.
this is a truly aweful situation. she has totally ruined my only hope of spiritual growth in that she has talked to most of my friends behind my back at the church i brought HER into so i can't even go their without the fear of folks looking down their noses at me.
this is my life. and she has the audacity to say she is the one who suffers through life with me!
now you gotta ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
-Chief out
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)