As I see it

this update is being written while i'm sick as a dog, so please excuse any shortcomings in syntax...


last night, lying in bed, i became horrifically self aware as to the situation with my wife. as i lay there, i drifted off, as i do quite often, to my last ship and one of the guys on there i worked with. he had this way of saying how much he hated someone. he'd say, and i paraphrase, screw them, everybody who loves them, and everything they love and everything they stand for. if he was on fire, i wouldn't walk acrossed the street to pee on him to put him out.
i began to, piece by piece, evaluate my wife's behavior toward me.

-now usually, when i am sick, injured or need her in any way, she normally attacks me in some way, usually ending up with her screaming at me and slamming the door. i usually have to almost order her to go get me some medicine, or neccesary things like bandages or ointment.
-she leaves when i need her to take care of me, like 100+ fever and bedridden. once she drove to the lake and went shopping. no make that twice, the first of which she screamed at me for spending $150 and i know she spent more on goofing off!
-when there's anything at our home, like celebrating a birthday or holiday, only her family is ever invited. now everybody's inlaws do some pretty ugly things to them every now and again that in some cases would make the normal person hate them for life, and our families are no exception. she has cone up with a reason to never speak to anyone from my family or ever invite them to our home. she always invites her side, and has made it abundantly clear that she has been made to understand that her dad and mom are divorced so he won't come around if she's going to be here. wow! sounds familiar.
i have one man that i have held as a brother for more years than not. he's responsible for putting me in the navy and stepping in to save me from this marriage when it crumbled and threatened my very survival. he is more family to me than anyone i have ever had. he lives near where i bought her a home and we finally get to see each other again after he waited years for me to move back home. she despises him and his family so badly that even the thought of them makes her rabid. they popped in over the holidays on a saturday night to hang out with us when there was absolutely nothing going on. she pulled me aside and balled me out, expressing her hatred for people that just barge in unannounced. hatred. pure and unadulterated.
-she has been married to a Navy man for over ten years and heard him talk about his job and the things in that job for that amount of time. she has never taken the initiatiave to ask anything about that job or to learn even the smallest thing about it. for example, the most basic thing expected of a sailor is his PQS. nevermind what it stands for, just know it's so basic, that it is the first thing they are handed after they swear in, nearly a year before their first uniform. you would expect their extended family would ask "what's pqs?" but the closest friends would be helping them study for it and especially their wives, let alone those of ten years, but recently i brought up my pqs, and she asked, "what's pqs?" of which i laughed, thinking she was kidding. she was not! she had no clue what the most basic thing in my career was! so badly does she hate the navy, that she flatly turned down attending the annual banquet with a $100, at least, meal and free room at the area's most prestegious resort, because it was navy. don't know about you, but i would sit through a high pressure sales presentation for half that! she truly hates the navy. always has, always will.
and they are interchangeble! the other day we were talking about the girls needing eye appointments when i explained to her that we had a new primary care doctor and we needed to get them in for their initial health screening and then we could have free appointments for whatever's covered and eyes are. she went on and on about how stupid it was for needing two appointments to get one thing done. when countered with the fact that noone but me had done the initial screening,she ranted on about how she would rather go out and pay for both of them to go get it done than to drive to the neighboring town twice to do it.
she truly hates me
all i stand for
everybody that loves me
and if i were ablaze,
would not even go
acrossed the street
to pee on me
to put me out.

this is a truly aweful situation. she has totally ruined my only hope of spiritual growth in that she has talked to most of my friends behind my back at the church i brought HER into so i can't even go their without the fear of folks looking down their noses at me.


this is my life. and she has the audacity to say she is the one who suffers through life with me!



now you gotta ask yourself, what would Jesus do?


-Chief out