this update is being written while i'm sick as a dog, so please excuse any shortcomings in syntax...
last night, lying in bed, i became horrifically self aware as to the situation with my wife. as i lay there, i drifted off, as i do quite often, to my last ship and one of the guys on there i worked with. he had this way of saying how much he hated someone. he'd say, and i paraphrase, screw them, everybody who loves them, and everything they love and everything they stand for. if he was on fire, i wouldn't walk acrossed the street to pee on him to put him out.
i began to, piece by piece, evaluate my wife's behavior toward me.
-now usually, when i am sick, injured or need her in any way, she normally attacks me in some way, usually ending up with her screaming at me and slamming the door. i usually have to almost order her to go get me some medicine, or neccesary things like bandages or ointment.
-she leaves when i need her to take care of me, like 100+ fever and bedridden. once she drove to the lake and went shopping. no make that twice, the first of which she screamed at me for spending $150 and i know she spent more on goofing off!
-when there's anything at our home, like celebrating a birthday or holiday, only her family is ever invited. now everybody's inlaws do some pretty ugly things to them every now and again that in some cases would make the normal person hate them for life, and our families are no exception. she has cone up with a reason to never speak to anyone from my family or ever invite them to our home. she always invites her side, and has made it abundantly clear that she has been made to understand that her dad and mom are divorced so he won't come around if she's going to be here. wow! sounds familiar.
i have one man that i have held as a brother for more years than not. he's responsible for putting me in the navy and stepping in to save me from this marriage when it crumbled and threatened my very survival. he is more family to me than anyone i have ever had. he lives near where i bought her a home and we finally get to see each other again after he waited years for me to move back home. she despises him and his family so badly that even the thought of them makes her rabid. they popped in over the holidays on a saturday night to hang out with us when there was absolutely nothing going on. she pulled me aside and balled me out, expressing her hatred for people that just barge in unannounced. hatred. pure and unadulterated.
-she has been married to a Navy man for over ten years and heard him talk about his job and the things in that job for that amount of time. she has never taken the initiatiave to ask anything about that job or to learn even the smallest thing about it. for example, the most basic thing expected of a sailor is his PQS. nevermind what it stands for, just know it's so basic, that it is the first thing they are handed after they swear in, nearly a year before their first uniform. you would expect their extended family would ask "what's pqs?" but the closest friends would be helping them study for it and especially their wives, let alone those of ten years, but recently i brought up my pqs, and she asked, "what's pqs?" of which i laughed, thinking she was kidding. she was not! she had no clue what the most basic thing in my career was! so badly does she hate the navy, that she flatly turned down attending the annual banquet with a $100, at least, meal and free room at the area's most prestegious resort, because it was navy. don't know about you, but i would sit through a high pressure sales presentation for half that! she truly hates the navy. always has, always will.
and they are interchangeble! the other day we were talking about the girls needing eye appointments when i explained to her that we had a new primary care doctor and we needed to get them in for their initial health screening and then we could have free appointments for whatever's covered and eyes are. she went on and on about how stupid it was for needing two appointments to get one thing done. when countered with the fact that noone but me had done the initial screening,she ranted on about how she would rather go out and pay for both of them to go get it done than to drive to the neighboring town twice to do it.
she truly hates me
all i stand for
everybody that loves me
and if i were ablaze,
would not even go
acrossed the street
to pee on me
to put me out.
this is a truly aweful situation. she has totally ruined my only hope of spiritual growth in that she has talked to most of my friends behind my back at the church i brought HER into so i can't even go their without the fear of folks looking down their noses at me.
this is my life. and she has the audacity to say she is the one who suffers through life with me!
now you gotta ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
-Chief out
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Jan 9/10
Yesterday and today it could be considered very disappointing days. I was told by the OPO, that my recruiter board would be on Tuesday. Knowing this I would really have to bone up on my pubs by studying all weekend. I knew I was probably going to need some help so I asked Mary Ellen if she would help me to study. She said she would but advised me to get some rest on Friday night and she would help me Saturday. I trusted her. Little to my surprise Saturday she began getting ready to leave the house. When I asked there were she was going she said she was going to help Amanda paint. I asked her if she remembered a offering to help me study. She said she had already promised them Amanda, and would have to help me in the evening time. I told her that I would need help in the daytime because I was sick and totally drained in the evenings.She said she couldn't help that and that she was going to help Amanda no matter what I said or needed. Of course we got into a pretty bad and it really didn't know too well. As she was leaving the house I text her reminding her that she promised me that she would help me study. "Fucking Stupid"had came out of my mouth at one point. By this time I was really pissed. I really didn't care what I said to her and didn't care if I hurt her feelings are not.
Now some were all along the line I got off track and did other things. Finally Mary Ellen came home. She asked me how my studying had been going. Well you know this one isn't gonna go too well, so I told her I didn't have any help and couldn't really get much done all day. At this Point I reminded her she had promised me that she would help me study. I didn't get much out of her with that in return to my office to try and study. Dinner was ready around 6:30 PM so we ate. I wasn't feeling very well at all by that point so I've read turned to my office to try and salvage a couple hours of studying. Now I believe it was this night, as I'd get kind of confused, that Rachel was out for the evening. Julia had been excused from the table and was at the computer. I took this opportunity to ask Mary Ellen a few questions. Now you know this isn't gonna go very well either. When I asked her couple of questions she didn't give an honest answer at all and I can tell. I asked her why she wouldn't give me honest answers to my questions and when I asked that she became horribly defensive and I knew it was from that point that the conversation would go downhill rapidly. As you can imagine I brought up the fact of the huge fight we've gotten into on Friday when I came home and got no help and someone parked in the driveway and I had to carry in my stuff all by myself, which took like five or six trips. Yadda yadda yadda… We had a big argument that didn't go well and all. I ended up study as much as I could and then playing guitar for a little while until she came down and work out. After that I made sure she had some good cold water and she sat down with me in my office. She sat and spoke with me for almost an hour, which in itself is a miracle, but at no time was studying brought up at least not her helping me study. Instead, most of the time was spent telling me that if I brought my son out to Missouri and payed for a year of his college, that he's a grown man and needs to make it on his own or be given a wake up call talking to by me. Now I looking back as I write this, it hurts me to think in retrospect, that she would rather help anyone else but me and that the people she would help our terrible to her. Those she chooses to help the likes of her sister and mother have stolen, lied and done nothing but wrong to her. I told her all of this via text message as that is the way we fight half the time, and also that I was the only one who has helped her over the past 10 to 12 years of her life. I told her to look around here, that everything she has came from me!
Well here is is Sunday evening and she hasn't helped me once, like she promised and she's had a weekend where she's done some helping adn none of it to her favor, or mine. Instead, she's spent the entire time over at her 23 year old daughter's newly bought house HELPING her paint, of which she has a fiance that is fully capable of doing two houses twice that size in the amount of time she's spent helping. Remember, I'm supposed to give MY 22 year old a talking to about doing on his own, but I can't be helped in my career because a 23 yr old has to be helped along. What?!?
As confusing as it is, there is no rest for the wicked. I must go and get back to studying as my entire family sits upstairs, "resting" from a long day, 3 hrs, of painting! ~sigh~
Thanks for tuning in true believers!
Now some were all along the line I got off track and did other things. Finally Mary Ellen came home. She asked me how my studying had been going. Well you know this one isn't gonna go too well, so I told her I didn't have any help and couldn't really get much done all day. At this Point I reminded her she had promised me that she would help me study. I didn't get much out of her with that in return to my office to try and study. Dinner was ready around 6:30 PM so we ate. I wasn't feeling very well at all by that point so I've read turned to my office to try and salvage a couple hours of studying. Now I believe it was this night, as I'd get kind of confused, that Rachel was out for the evening. Julia had been excused from the table and was at the computer. I took this opportunity to ask Mary Ellen a few questions. Now you know this isn't gonna go very well either. When I asked her couple of questions she didn't give an honest answer at all and I can tell. I asked her why she wouldn't give me honest answers to my questions and when I asked that she became horribly defensive and I knew it was from that point that the conversation would go downhill rapidly. As you can imagine I brought up the fact of the huge fight we've gotten into on Friday when I came home and got no help and someone parked in the driveway and I had to carry in my stuff all by myself, which took like five or six trips. Yadda yadda yadda… We had a big argument that didn't go well and all. I ended up study as much as I could and then playing guitar for a little while until she came down and work out. After that I made sure she had some good cold water and she sat down with me in my office. She sat and spoke with me for almost an hour, which in itself is a miracle, but at no time was studying brought up at least not her helping me study. Instead, most of the time was spent telling me that if I brought my son out to Missouri and payed for a year of his college, that he's a grown man and needs to make it on his own or be given a wake up call talking to by me. Now I looking back as I write this, it hurts me to think in retrospect, that she would rather help anyone else but me and that the people she would help our terrible to her. Those she chooses to help the likes of her sister and mother have stolen, lied and done nothing but wrong to her. I told her all of this via text message as that is the way we fight half the time, and also that I was the only one who has helped her over the past 10 to 12 years of her life. I told her to look around here, that everything she has came from me!
Well here is is Sunday evening and she hasn't helped me once, like she promised and she's had a weekend where she's done some helping adn none of it to her favor, or mine. Instead, she's spent the entire time over at her 23 year old daughter's newly bought house HELPING her paint, of which she has a fiance that is fully capable of doing two houses twice that size in the amount of time she's spent helping. Remember, I'm supposed to give MY 22 year old a talking to about doing on his own, but I can't be helped in my career because a 23 yr old has to be helped along. What?!?
As confusing as it is, there is no rest for the wicked. I must go and get back to studying as my entire family sits upstairs, "resting" from a long day, 3 hrs, of painting! ~sigh~
Thanks for tuning in true believers!
Jan 9/10
Yesterday and today it could be considered very disappointing days. I was told by the OPO, that my recruiter board would be on Tuesday. Knowing this I would really have to bone up on my pubs by studying all weekend. I knew I was probably going to need some help so I asked Mary Ellen if she would help me to study. She said she would but advised me to get some rest on Friday night and she would help me Saturday. I trusted her. Little to my surprise Saturday she began getting ready to leave the house. When I asked there were she was going she said she was going to help Amanda paint. I asked her if she remembered a offering to help me study. She said she had already promised them Amanda, and would have to help me in the evening time. I told her that I would need help in the daytime because I was sick and totally drained in the evenings.She said she couldn't help that and that she was going to help Amanda no matter what I said or needed. Of course we got into a pretty bad and it really didn't know too well. As she was leaving the house I text her reminding her that she promised me that she would help me study. "Fucking Stupid"had came out of my mouth at one point. By this time I was really pissed. I really didn't care what I said to her and didn't care if I hurt her feelings are not.
Now some were all along the line I got off track and did other things. Finally Mary Ellen came home. She asked me how my studying had been going. Well you know this one isn't gonna go too well, so I told her I didn't have any help and couldn't really get much done all day. At this Point I reminded her she had promised me that she would help me study. I didn't get much out of her with that in return to my office to try and study. Dinner was ready around 6:30 PM so we ate. I wasn't feeling very well at all by that point so I've read turned to my office to try and salvage a couple hours of studying. Now I believe it was this night, as I'd get kind of confused, that Rachel was out for the evening. Julia had been excused from the table and was at the computer. I took this opportunity to ask Mary Ellen a few questions. Now you know this isn't gonna go very well either. When I asked her couple of questions she didn't give an honest answer at all and I can tell. I asked her why she wouldn't give me honest answers to my questions and when I asked that she became horribly defensive and I knew it was from that point that the conversation would go downhill rapidly. As you can imagine I brought up the fact of the huge fight we've gotten into on Friday when I came home and got no help and someone parked in the driveway and I had to carry in my stuff all by myself, which took like five or six trips. Yadda yadda yadda… We had a big argument that didn't go well and all. I ended up study as much as I could and then playing guitar for a little while until she came down and work out. After that I made sure she had some good cold water and she sat down with me in my office. She sat and spoke with me for almost an hour, which in itself is a miracle, but at no time was studying brought up at least not her helping me study. Now I looking back as I write this, it hurts me to think in retrospect, that she would rather help anyone else but me and that the people she would help our terrible to her. Those she chooses to help the likes of her sister and mother have stolen, lied and done nothing but wrong to her. I told her all of this via text message as that is the way we fight half the time, and also that I was the only one who has helped her over the past 10 to 12 years of her life. I told her to look around here, that everything she has came from me!
Now some were all along the line I got off track and did other things. Finally Mary Ellen came home. She asked me how my studying had been going. Well you know this one isn't gonna go too well, so I told her I didn't have any help and couldn't really get much done all day. At this Point I reminded her she had promised me that she would help me study. I didn't get much out of her with that in return to my office to try and study. Dinner was ready around 6:30 PM so we ate. I wasn't feeling very well at all by that point so I've read turned to my office to try and salvage a couple hours of studying. Now I believe it was this night, as I'd get kind of confused, that Rachel was out for the evening. Julia had been excused from the table and was at the computer. I took this opportunity to ask Mary Ellen a few questions. Now you know this isn't gonna go very well either. When I asked her couple of questions she didn't give an honest answer at all and I can tell. I asked her why she wouldn't give me honest answers to my questions and when I asked that she became horribly defensive and I knew it was from that point that the conversation would go downhill rapidly. As you can imagine I brought up the fact of the huge fight we've gotten into on Friday when I came home and got no help and someone parked in the driveway and I had to carry in my stuff all by myself, which took like five or six trips. Yadda yadda yadda… We had a big argument that didn't go well and all. I ended up study as much as I could and then playing guitar for a little while until she came down and work out. After that I made sure she had some good cold water and she sat down with me in my office. She sat and spoke with me for almost an hour, which in itself is a miracle, but at no time was studying brought up at least not her helping me study. Now I looking back as I write this, it hurts me to think in retrospect, that she would rather help anyone else but me and that the people she would help our terrible to her. Those she chooses to help the likes of her sister and mother have stolen, lied and done nothing but wrong to her. I told her all of this via text message as that is the way we fight half the time, and also that I was the only one who has helped her over the past 10 to 12 years of her life. I told her to look around here, that everything she has came from me!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Today was a hallmark day for the Hannings. We began with me being sick and puttering through my morning without the least interjection of my family at all. After asking about three times, my wife actually got me some juice and daytime capsules to stave off my cold. they didn't work, and it was like 20 oz of juice.
Let's back up a couple days, my command's top end had been awaiting the decision of their CO about whether we would travel to our monthly production meeting 3 hours from here or if we'd cancel. word came down about 1030 or so, that we'd go ahead with the thing, despite the snow, wind and horrifically cold temperatures that were to be that day. Packed up and headed out to get my tiny government vehicle and hurl it into harm's way toward the approaching inevitable. after reaching the city limits of the town the thing was in, I got a call from my command that they had cancelled the thing after all. GREAT! Drove all that way for nothing. Decided to make the most of it and check into my hotel and grab some drinks and salve my soul. Arose at 9 or so and got around enough to visit with a buddy, the only other living soul that actually made it up there. finally got on the road around 1030. The roads left much to the imagination! pulled into Salem around 430 or a little after. Now for a piece of background, my hip and right leg have been paining me something fierce due to psiatica brought on by driving. Wow! I had essentially subjected my hip and nerve to two pretty full days of driving, even if it was 9 or so hours. Anyway, I was pulling into my street after texting my wife, From 30 minutes out, that i would be home. Not only was there a car in my spot, but the only other places to park was in a snowdrift! And with the load of junk I had to carry in, it would be painful, to say the least. I imagined my wife would meet me at the door with keys and a coat on to move the vehicle parked in my spot or at least help me carry my huge bunch of stuff I had to tote. I entered my home not to this site, by any stretch of the imagination. My wife, in all her glory, was sock footed adorning a recliner with a remote in one hand and drink in the other. A position that if i was to remain in when she had groceries to tote, well I would never hear the end of it, I tell ya! I even get a guilt trip when I'm in town and don't offer to drive acrossed town to help her unload her daycare groceries, a job for which she gets paid to do.
I began the back and forth routine of carrying in all my junk out of the car, and on the second or third trip, as i got progressively madder and each trip produced more pain than the last, she asked "so how were the roads?" as she eased back in the recliner, not paying any mind to the snow caking off my knees from the snowbank i was to retrieve my things from the vehicle i was forced to park in. "Fine!" I stated, with heavy disdain. After a bit of lugging, lots of pain, and some cursing the sky under my breath, I was finished with the arduous task. While seated she tossed another couple of questions my way, seeming to want to goad a reaction from me, and she got one. When I responded as a sick guy who's tired and in great pain would, she leaped from her recliner and stomped toward my position in the house, saying something to the effect of "what happened to you up there?" like it was so out of line and childish for my reaction. I responded in like manner, totally disappointing myself for actually engaging in her pablum.
She was to have her fight and have it now. I had told her, at one point, that "I don't want to discuss it." and she kept at me until the scab was off and blood was running, and sure to get on whosever closest to it. Now Rachel gets up and says she's going to move her car! What? Why? Everything's over now. The damage is done and I'm pissed.
Of course, the grim reality I seemed to be destined to face is that it hurt what she had done, or not done, and hurt more that she would sit and allow me to writhe back and forth in pain and not say as much as a simple welcome home or can I help with anything. It hurt more than my leg or sinuses or anything I can recall. It's gotten pretty numb from all the hurting it's been subjected to, whatever "it" is?
Now on with today... ...after getting home today, at 1 o'clock, like every weekday, what a grueling schedule, she actually gave me some pills and juice, then made me sandwich. Now I've had better tunafish, and she put junk in it that I purely detest, but the thought of her actually doing something for me, was foreign. Very foreign.
I worked the better part of the afternoon and it was soon time for supper. Rachel wasn't home and she had fixed, now me with a case, hot wings and some noodle thing. WTFO? Hot wings? Said she was trying to clear out my sinuses! And i believe she made about six for the three of us, Rachel was not there. Now for the good part, after Julia left the table, something was said that provoked me. I asked her why she never shared anything sincere when she answered my questions. Well that trailed off into some more of her blaming me for the woes in her life and telling me how bad of choices she had made. I lobbed a few snowballs verbally her way, in the same manner and let her know that if she didn't straighten up, she had a whole lot more to lose her than I do. She kept trying to defend her position and my wrath would no no retaliation except silence and listening to my peace. Which I spoke and walked away, to the basement, to my office she promised me while she bought this house, while I was at sea, sight unseen. My office with the Washer and dryer in it.
Kevin Hanning
Navy Chief
Let's back up a couple days, my command's top end had been awaiting the decision of their CO about whether we would travel to our monthly production meeting 3 hours from here or if we'd cancel. word came down about 1030 or so, that we'd go ahead with the thing, despite the snow, wind and horrifically cold temperatures that were to be that day. Packed up and headed out to get my tiny government vehicle and hurl it into harm's way toward the approaching inevitable. after reaching the city limits of the town the thing was in, I got a call from my command that they had cancelled the thing after all. GREAT! Drove all that way for nothing. Decided to make the most of it and check into my hotel and grab some drinks and salve my soul. Arose at 9 or so and got around enough to visit with a buddy, the only other living soul that actually made it up there. finally got on the road around 1030. The roads left much to the imagination! pulled into Salem around 430 or a little after. Now for a piece of background, my hip and right leg have been paining me something fierce due to psiatica brought on by driving. Wow! I had essentially subjected my hip and nerve to two pretty full days of driving, even if it was 9 or so hours. Anyway, I was pulling into my street after texting my wife, From 30 minutes out, that i would be home. Not only was there a car in my spot, but the only other places to park was in a snowdrift! And with the load of junk I had to carry in, it would be painful, to say the least. I imagined my wife would meet me at the door with keys and a coat on to move the vehicle parked in my spot or at least help me carry my huge bunch of stuff I had to tote. I entered my home not to this site, by any stretch of the imagination. My wife, in all her glory, was sock footed adorning a recliner with a remote in one hand and drink in the other. A position that if i was to remain in when she had groceries to tote, well I would never hear the end of it, I tell ya! I even get a guilt trip when I'm in town and don't offer to drive acrossed town to help her unload her daycare groceries, a job for which she gets paid to do.
I began the back and forth routine of carrying in all my junk out of the car, and on the second or third trip, as i got progressively madder and each trip produced more pain than the last, she asked "so how were the roads?" as she eased back in the recliner, not paying any mind to the snow caking off my knees from the snowbank i was to retrieve my things from the vehicle i was forced to park in. "Fine!" I stated, with heavy disdain. After a bit of lugging, lots of pain, and some cursing the sky under my breath, I was finished with the arduous task. While seated she tossed another couple of questions my way, seeming to want to goad a reaction from me, and she got one. When I responded as a sick guy who's tired and in great pain would, she leaped from her recliner and stomped toward my position in the house, saying something to the effect of "what happened to you up there?" like it was so out of line and childish for my reaction. I responded in like manner, totally disappointing myself for actually engaging in her pablum.
She was to have her fight and have it now. I had told her, at one point, that "I don't want to discuss it." and she kept at me until the scab was off and blood was running, and sure to get on whosever closest to it. Now Rachel gets up and says she's going to move her car! What? Why? Everything's over now. The damage is done and I'm pissed.
Of course, the grim reality I seemed to be destined to face is that it hurt what she had done, or not done, and hurt more that she would sit and allow me to writhe back and forth in pain and not say as much as a simple welcome home or can I help with anything. It hurt more than my leg or sinuses or anything I can recall. It's gotten pretty numb from all the hurting it's been subjected to, whatever "it" is?
Now on with today... ...after getting home today, at 1 o'clock, like every weekday, what a grueling schedule, she actually gave me some pills and juice, then made me sandwich. Now I've had better tunafish, and she put junk in it that I purely detest, but the thought of her actually doing something for me, was foreign. Very foreign.
I worked the better part of the afternoon and it was soon time for supper. Rachel wasn't home and she had fixed, now me with a case, hot wings and some noodle thing. WTFO? Hot wings? Said she was trying to clear out my sinuses! And i believe she made about six for the three of us, Rachel was not there. Now for the good part, after Julia left the table, something was said that provoked me. I asked her why she never shared anything sincere when she answered my questions. Well that trailed off into some more of her blaming me for the woes in her life and telling me how bad of choices she had made. I lobbed a few snowballs verbally her way, in the same manner and let her know that if she didn't straighten up, she had a whole lot more to lose her than I do. She kept trying to defend her position and my wrath would no no retaliation except silence and listening to my peace. Which I spoke and walked away, to the basement, to my office she promised me while she bought this house, while I was at sea, sight unseen. My office with the Washer and dryer in it.
Kevin Hanning
Navy Chief
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