so it's been like a year since i posted in this blog... a friend of mine has inspired me to begin blogging again about my life, more as a journal than anything else. it was when I had shared a link with her to my blog that I actually started to read the damned thing again. I scrolled all the way back to the first entry and found that the posts contained such disheartening content about my situation that I had to rethink my life. I have been divorced around 4 to 6 months now, living in my tiny hovel in Rolla. I pay child support in a handsome sum, and refuse to not live in some fashion that reflects how hard I've worked and what it took me just to get here. Internet, dish tv and the like. My son Brett, 25, has moved out to stay with me! He's a wonderful man and I cannot express just how amazing it is to be around him as an adult. He's very intelligent and gentle in every way. I love him so. I have fallen behind in my bills, rent car payment and others, and am facing bankruptcy just to keep the creditors at bay. I have applied for help from a couple agencies set up to help retirees supplement their finances with donated funds, as I await the outcome of my disability claim with the VA. God I hope they help me out! I hate being broke and overdrawn by the 10th of every month!!!

This Guy In My Chain of Command, aka Idiot

I have not blogged in quite some time. I have come to peace with the fact that a person who has done more to encumber my career in the Navy over the years is going to be ENTITLED to a portion of my retirement. I am living in the little hovel in Rolla after my first term in college on the GI Bill. I am mulling over the CPO Mess at my last command and weighing the dimensions of just how that fits in todays' Navy. To be quite frank, IT DOESN'T! When the leader of the CPO Mess is the CMC with no ability to step back and let his Chiefs lead in their own abilities. To step in and brood over the actions of a man in a leadership position where that man is, by design, created by his fellows, to make the decisions that will control the lives and careers of those in his charge, is beyond mere micromanagement. It is absolutely reprehensible at it's core. From those people-decisions the Chief makes to the tiniest seemingly meaningless deeds that are automatic to most Chiefs, this man had to have a hand in and a thumb on top of. As an example, there was a time when he had contacted me in my last few months as I sat at a friend's house with nowhere else to go, as I was basically homeless after separating from my wife, he asked me if my Mess could help. This man not only scolded me for showing up late to an event that he himself had not only showed up late for the past two years, but hours and hours late. Chief's initiation is a get there when you get there kinda event. Most of the people he was mentioning as he chastised me had only shown up in the last few minutes. He not only scolded me, but took me aside and commenced to chew me out for over an hour and a half, telling me I had disobeyed an order and actually disrespected the entire mess and him. He had a member of the mess go around and take up a collection for me which ended up being a whopping $160. He presented it to me and commenced to tell me a story he had told me on two separate occasions which had absolutely no bearing on my situation whatsoever, and gave me advisement that was not only wrong, but illegal! A couple weeks later, after someone in the Mess had retired I had been having heart attack like stress symptoms at the office and my doctor couldn't see me until the day of the guy's retirement, of which I didn't really know this man and didn't get along with him, nor he, me and I didn't plan on attending. He called me later that week and after chewing me out for a while he told me he was ordering me to pay back the money the Mess had given me to the CPOA treasurer. If anyone has any knowledge of how a Chief's organization operates, the Mess is to be held separate from the CPO association. To pay the money back that some members of a CPO mess came out of pocket for, into the CPOA goes against that separation in every facet of the very bylaws of the association it is being payed into. But as I was in the last few months of my career and this being my last Mess, I set out to pay the money back in a way that would greatest benefit the Mess the best. I would open an online account that would draw from my initial investment to pay for itself so the members of the CPOA could pay their dues at any time by simply going online. This was again interpreted by this man as a direct violation of his order to me to just give up the cash to the treasurer and be done with it. This is what a Chief does. He takes a situation that could be negative and transforms it into a benefit to his community, his people and his Navy. This is only a tiny part of the reprehensible actions of this command structure of which he was a part of. If I made a list of careers that had been shredded by the decisions made by him and this command structure it would be lengthy, to say the least. This is without a doubt the worst part of my career and I have wished more than anything to forget this tragedy of a chain of command that cares not only for it's people but has went out of their way to be a bludgeon to ruin their careers and personal lives. I just wish I could forget it. more later...

making a list

I've been under the weather the past few days so no blog updates until now. I have been having the weird dreams about the ship and aircraft. No more amorous ex's though.
Lately I've been giving thought to how things will end up after the divorce. I will certainly be paying half my retirement to the ex and child support as well. My GI Bill payment will be a huge help with the bills. I'll just be happy to not have to pay her way anymore. I can not wait. It still pains me that she would get any part of my retirement when she has done less than nothing to earn it as a spouse. I have learned she can even continue to receive the retirement if she remarries if it is not adressed in the divorce decree. This sickens me to no end that there would be a large possibility of her suckling the retirement teat she never earned by any degree.
I have been making a list of things I would want when my pay is my own. This gives me more perspective on being independent and able to do for myself without the threat of marital reprisal.

I cannot continue blogging today with the thought of her getting my retirement even if she remarries.

more later...

Day Early...

It's Valentine's Day and I couldn't be happier to have noone to give me a valentine. I don't want to hear the I love you phrase as it is my firm conviction that it would not be true anyway.
I have been having all these strange dreams and restless leg the past few nights. It has been difficult to fall asleep. I think I have built up a partial immunity to my meds that help me sleep. I had a medical appt today to speak to my shrink about all this and request upping my prescription. I had to wait for over an hour at the pharmacy as they were so slammed. Someone asked me about the Cruise Jacket I had on, if i had been to all the countries listed on the back. She told me that was impressive. I wish more people thought of me that way. I know I have done so much in the military and helped so many people. I have tried my best to make positive changes in the people's lives in my charge and it's nice to hear something positive about myself from someone, even a complete stranger.
I met a new friend online over the last couple weeks. A lady messaged me about liking my Facebook page and my pictures. She said I looked very nice. With all I've been through I had to ask if she had the right person or was she thinking she was messaging someone else. She responded that the message was intended for me and that she'd like to know more about me. We have chatted a little on facebook but I worry what her intent is. It worries me that she says she could care for me. Anyone caring for me has usually hurt me pretty badly.
I had recieved responses to the emails I sent to my estranged. She had been told about the bills that were due this payday and that she was to begin paying all her own bills with her own salary. She had told me that I was to leave over $500 in the joint account for her to use. She is in for a big ol' surprise tomorrow morning when she gets nothing. I am paying her house payment and Julia's orthodontist bill tomorrow as well as my household bills and my attorney payment of a grand. that leaves very little left over for paying anyone else's bills. I can't imagine being in her situation and not wanting to do anything about it. I would be expected to take a second or even a third job just to pay my own bills. I would imagine she will be making more than I will after my retirement pay starts. I wonder if she's going to share her pay with me as I have our entire marriage. What a sham our marriage was. She really got over on me and sucked me dry. I'm pretty sick of handing out money to someone who has kicked me out of my own house and lied about it. Filed a restraining order against me so I can't retrieve my things from her house I pay for.

I cannot wait until all I have to pay for is my own life. I absolutely am done with paying for someone else's lifestyle.

last Navy paycheck...

Tomorrow I receive my very last paycheck on active duty. It's pretty much gone already as I have to pay my mortgage and my attorney, both at least a thousand bucks! I have been having the wildest dreams and last night was the craziest.
I found myself in the middle of flight operations on the Reagan but I somehow realized it was years ago, as most of the crew was different than anyone aboard either now or when I was there. After roaming the ship for a while I set about in doing something useful with my trip back in time. I went to my old maintenance office and hung out for a while where I met some of the leadership, none of which I recognized. It took me what seemed like forever to pull the maintenance chief aside to warn him of catastrophic build of their current catapult configuration. I recall trying to break it to him that I had traveled back through time but he just kept laughing it off. I remember explaining the particular components that were faultily designed to somehow let the engineers who designed it know and get a huge head start on reconfiguration. My concerns were just being delivered when my dog woke me up. I was so disappointed that I didn't get to initiate a fix for the parts flaw.
I am worried about the fallout that will occur after this payday with Mary Ellen. She will obviously be put off by the amount of money she will receive and make quite a stink. I am more concerned with what I am to do about next month's mortgage payment and thereafter. I will not recieve a paycheck in March and very little from now on. I guess we shall soon see how it all will go.

a lot has happened...

I haven't blogged in a few days so I thought I would bring things up to speed as to the things I have experienced the last little while. I had another dream about a woman stepping into my life and home, vehicle and family are the norm. it seemed no expense was spared in a nice comfortable middle class lifestyle. The last dream like this was with Joanna, my second wife and her buying me a new guitar and going to our wonderful home. This one I can recall had me going to get my new truck from the Navy base where I left it. I remember it being nice and white in color.
Last night's dream involved someone's wedding where I was to be a groomsman but had no tuxedo to wear. A guilt ridden conversation with the groom shortly followed and I remember him being a black man. While everyone was waiting for the nuptuals, I recall desperately searching for a suit to at least borrow for the wedding to no avail.
I was to take Julia out to shop for an outfit for her upcoming Valentine's dance at her school. I was told, when she wanted two of her friends to go and I said it was to be just her and I, that she was very upset and worried with the onset of a stomach ache. I'm sure this was somehow brought on by the way I'm being talked about in the home and with family while she's around.
I was speaking to Barry a few days ago about the divorce and all the bills. After the conversation, while showering, I noticed my fingers tingling on both hands. I quickly finished the shower, toweled off and went to sit quietly for a half hour or so until the feeling subsided. I was very concerned about the other outcome of this had I not nipped it in the bud.

That's it for now. More to come...

How will it be...

I often find myself wondering how things will be when this divorce is finally over. Only fleeting images of me sitting at a coffee shop with someone I can't picture yet, enjoying myself. I wonder what life will be like to be truly single again. Living alone has been good to me but it has it's challenges, small and huge alike. I just wonder when I will feel good enough to get back out there and meet some people that aren't in a kids and parents setting or at church or a part of someone else's world and I'm an afterthought or fifth wheel type acquaintance. I imagine I will meet more people when I begin college and interacting with other adults from the area. I hope I'm likeable enough to meet people and actually have them like me for just being me. I like who I am and feel confident in my own skin but don't know if others would be comfortable enough around me to want to form relationships, both friend or more.
There are more things I would enjoy other than just personal interaction. For instance I have always dreamed of joining a volunteer orchestra or classical ensemble of some sort. I have always dreamed of building my own recording studio in my home. For the past several years I have yearned to go camping but have never been able to make the time or convince my estranged it would be a fun venture. I have watched a slew of survivalist shows and was jealous of the way they enjoyed the outdoors without having to go home as soon as it was time to get back to school or whatever.
Maybe, just maybe I can make it through this divorce and have a somewhat normal life one of these days.