Day Early...

It's Valentine's Day and I couldn't be happier to have noone to give me a valentine. I don't want to hear the I love you phrase as it is my firm conviction that it would not be true anyway.
I have been having all these strange dreams and restless leg the past few nights. It has been difficult to fall asleep. I think I have built up a partial immunity to my meds that help me sleep. I had a medical appt today to speak to my shrink about all this and request upping my prescription. I had to wait for over an hour at the pharmacy as they were so slammed. Someone asked me about the Cruise Jacket I had on, if i had been to all the countries listed on the back. She told me that was impressive. I wish more people thought of me that way. I know I have done so much in the military and helped so many people. I have tried my best to make positive changes in the people's lives in my charge and it's nice to hear something positive about myself from someone, even a complete stranger.
I met a new friend online over the last couple weeks. A lady messaged me about liking my Facebook page and my pictures. She said I looked very nice. With all I've been through I had to ask if she had the right person or was she thinking she was messaging someone else. She responded that the message was intended for me and that she'd like to know more about me. We have chatted a little on facebook but I worry what her intent is. It worries me that she says she could care for me. Anyone caring for me has usually hurt me pretty badly.
I had recieved responses to the emails I sent to my estranged. She had been told about the bills that were due this payday and that she was to begin paying all her own bills with her own salary. She had told me that I was to leave over $500 in the joint account for her to use. She is in for a big ol' surprise tomorrow morning when she gets nothing. I am paying her house payment and Julia's orthodontist bill tomorrow as well as my household bills and my attorney payment of a grand. that leaves very little left over for paying anyone else's bills. I can't imagine being in her situation and not wanting to do anything about it. I would be expected to take a second or even a third job just to pay my own bills. I would imagine she will be making more than I will after my retirement pay starts. I wonder if she's going to share her pay with me as I have our entire marriage. What a sham our marriage was. She really got over on me and sucked me dry. I'm pretty sick of handing out money to someone who has kicked me out of my own house and lied about it. Filed a restraining order against me so I can't retrieve my things from her house I pay for.

I cannot wait until all I have to pay for is my own life. I absolutely am done with paying for someone else's lifestyle.

last Navy paycheck...

Tomorrow I receive my very last paycheck on active duty. It's pretty much gone already as I have to pay my mortgage and my attorney, both at least a thousand bucks! I have been having the wildest dreams and last night was the craziest.
I found myself in the middle of flight operations on the Reagan but I somehow realized it was years ago, as most of the crew was different than anyone aboard either now or when I was there. After roaming the ship for a while I set about in doing something useful with my trip back in time. I went to my old maintenance office and hung out for a while where I met some of the leadership, none of which I recognized. It took me what seemed like forever to pull the maintenance chief aside to warn him of catastrophic build of their current catapult configuration. I recall trying to break it to him that I had traveled back through time but he just kept laughing it off. I remember explaining the particular components that were faultily designed to somehow let the engineers who designed it know and get a huge head start on reconfiguration. My concerns were just being delivered when my dog woke me up. I was so disappointed that I didn't get to initiate a fix for the parts flaw.
I am worried about the fallout that will occur after this payday with Mary Ellen. She will obviously be put off by the amount of money she will receive and make quite a stink. I am more concerned with what I am to do about next month's mortgage payment and thereafter. I will not recieve a paycheck in March and very little from now on. I guess we shall soon see how it all will go.

a lot has happened...

I haven't blogged in a few days so I thought I would bring things up to speed as to the things I have experienced the last little while. I had another dream about a woman stepping into my life and home, vehicle and family are the norm. it seemed no expense was spared in a nice comfortable middle class lifestyle. The last dream like this was with Joanna, my second wife and her buying me a new guitar and going to our wonderful home. This one I can recall had me going to get my new truck from the Navy base where I left it. I remember it being nice and white in color.
Last night's dream involved someone's wedding where I was to be a groomsman but had no tuxedo to wear. A guilt ridden conversation with the groom shortly followed and I remember him being a black man. While everyone was waiting for the nuptuals, I recall desperately searching for a suit to at least borrow for the wedding to no avail.
I was to take Julia out to shop for an outfit for her upcoming Valentine's dance at her school. I was told, when she wanted two of her friends to go and I said it was to be just her and I, that she was very upset and worried with the onset of a stomach ache. I'm sure this was somehow brought on by the way I'm being talked about in the home and with family while she's around.
I was speaking to Barry a few days ago about the divorce and all the bills. After the conversation, while showering, I noticed my fingers tingling on both hands. I quickly finished the shower, toweled off and went to sit quietly for a half hour or so until the feeling subsided. I was very concerned about the other outcome of this had I not nipped it in the bud.

That's it for now. More to come...

How will it be...

I often find myself wondering how things will be when this divorce is finally over. Only fleeting images of me sitting at a coffee shop with someone I can't picture yet, enjoying myself. I wonder what life will be like to be truly single again. Living alone has been good to me but it has it's challenges, small and huge alike. I just wonder when I will feel good enough to get back out there and meet some people that aren't in a kids and parents setting or at church or a part of someone else's world and I'm an afterthought or fifth wheel type acquaintance. I imagine I will meet more people when I begin college and interacting with other adults from the area. I hope I'm likeable enough to meet people and actually have them like me for just being me. I like who I am and feel confident in my own skin but don't know if others would be comfortable enough around me to want to form relationships, both friend or more.
There are more things I would enjoy other than just personal interaction. For instance I have always dreamed of joining a volunteer orchestra or classical ensemble of some sort. I have always dreamed of building my own recording studio in my home. For the past several years I have yearned to go camping but have never been able to make the time or convince my estranged it would be a fun venture. I have watched a slew of survivalist shows and was jealous of the way they enjoyed the outdoors without having to go home as soon as it was time to get back to school or whatever.
Maybe, just maybe I can make it through this divorce and have a somewhat normal life one of these days.

wonderful dream...

this morning, just before my dog's barking at something outside, I had the most amazing dream. I was in an office type situation where someone had given me a pci card for installation in a computer for some sort of financial transfer from a guy who had died a few years back's savings account. this card i installed had a socket that accepted interchangeable chips of different types. as i inserted the chip the pc was on and a web browser was open. the chip forced the pc to not only open a bank website but begin a funds transfer of $90,000. this all made perfect sense to me and any guilt or wrongdoing was not in the equation as I had got the pc hardware to perform this transfer from his surviving wife. The amazing thing is, she was my second wife, Joanna. I have loved her since I lost her in 96' and have never stopped. She seemed to have been wanting me back in her life and to give me a second chance. I distinctly recall her insistence on buying me a new guitar at a sale they were having at a local store. We went to her home in Virginia and I recall her vehicle was very luxurious. Several various family members were in and out of the home and I remember small parts of interactions with them. We were very happy together and I recall feeling so in tune with her desire to have me in her life.
I was an aweful spouse to her. Very immature and insecure, taking all the negativity I felt out on her. She was always so happy and content and I think I was somehow jealous of that and looking back, it seems I was determined to make her feel as lousy as I was.
I miss her terribly and am sad to wake from this dream but happy for the experience of having it.

more babbling and rambling

it would seem that my blogging is not up to the collegiate writing standard of those more educated than myself. It is for this that I wish to extend my most humble kiss my hairy pimply posterior.

i am in the process of getting my transcripts together for submittal to Columbia College. This IHL has been recommended to me by my closer-than-best-friend Barry. He has achieved more in his life than 90% of those I have known in my life. He has risen from pissed off outcast of the norm at an obscure high school to one whom has literally taken the IT community and made it his foot stool, despite injuries and setbacks that would have left the common man a writhing pulp of unachieving handicapped flesh. One could easily see why I would do more than entertain his recommendations. This man has, despite being totally immersed in a career, family and personal life complete with hobbies the likes of building an aircraft at his home with his bare hands, taken the time to reach out to me in my times of need giving more than the average family member would. Our relationship spans way farther than blood or pact. It is a formidable force the likes of which go down in the annuls of written history.
I shall then attempt to hew my prose into more cogent thought process as not to offend the decencies of the reader and, if necessary diminish the purpose of my blog's purpose, to merely get things off my chest and out of my turmoil filled cerebellum and into typeface.
With this I offer my most humble apology to the reader and beg of them to continue, as this is the closest I have ever been to feeling human in my life and wish to chronicle my days throughout the process.

KDH

true hatred...

in 2005 the newly appointed Chief Hanning checked aboard the USS Ronald Reagan, America's premier aircraft carrier. I Had little to no friends onboard, where I also lived for the first two years. After the 2006 deployment another Chief in the division started hanging out with me. We hung out for a couple weeks and I told him I was trying to get back into church somewhere in California. He immediately agreed and began telling me about his growth in the Lord and we found a church and went there. The longer we attended and hung out, the more holier than thou he got, by reading to me from the bible to me after I went to bed and criticizing me for having a beer with the guys. We soon deployed and he got way worse at sea. This all broke when we pulled into the first port when he went totally off the deep end screwing anyone who was convienient. He persisted in telling me how much he read in his bible almost daily until I told him off, citing all the things he would do in foriegn ports. He then began to do all he could to derail my career by talking about me behind my back to anyone and everyone he could, even the ones we worked for. This all continued until I began to stand my ground and prove him wrong by being the best at what we do and embarrass him at every chance I got. We continued this and things escalated until he finally got me reassigned to the most lamest position in our division. I just waited until I transferred and continued to hate him worse than anyone I knew. I still to this day abhor him terribly and can't figure a way to let it all go.